Living life with a stutter, there are certain things that people like me just have to get used to. Once I begin stuttering in a conversation, usually with people I am talking to for the first time, it is not uncommon for people to laugh because they think I am playing some kind of weird joke, Or make some comment like, “you alright?” like I am choking on my lunch or something. Many times in my life, I have to shake my head after a conversation and think to myself, “gosh, the things I have to deal with.”

The other day at work though, I had an experience I have never had before. I manage a coffee shop in a suburb of Sacramento, and a customer that had been sitting in the lobby for a while came up to the counter to ask me a question, and I started stuttering so bad that I couldn’t answer the question. Working in customer service with a stutter isn’t much of an issue most of the time, but in this moment it was. My coworker seeing me struggle for a while, finally comes to my aid and answers the question and continues the conversation with this guy while I slip away with my head down feeling embarrassed and ashamed. That part of the experience is normal, I am used to feeling those things after a rough bout with my stutter. The part that isn’t normal though, is later he comes back up to the counter, gets some things to-go, and hands me a note that says, “I apologize, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Take care.” The thing about this is, I am used to making myself feel bad because of my stutter, but I am not used to making someone else feel bad because of it. As I am standing there, taking in what just happened, it occurred to me that we can all agree that it is sad that some people are born with speech impediments and have to have hard experiences with people because of it. But I think the even bigger tragedy here is, is that here is a man who feels responsible for the struggle I found myself in, something I was born with that I have had to deal with my entire life. All he did was ask me a question, nothing malicious, and he feels like he did some wrongdoing that he has to atone for. This is sad to me, sadder than me being asked a question that I can’t answer because I can’t get the word out. Growing up with this condition, I have gotten used to seeing the worst in people, as anyone can imagine, I got made fun of a lot as a kid. Something I am not used to though, is seeing something so empathetic. It made me feel bad for feeling embarrassed and ashamed for stuttering. Like maybe I should get outside of myself a little bit and not feel so bad or be so hard on myself when speaking gets rough.

What makes this story ironic, is just the day before, I went to Lassen National Park and had the opposite experience. I went through the front gate, paid my 30 dollars to get into the park, and when I got to the trailhead that I wanted to do, there was too much snow. So I decided to just leave the park and do another one I found just outside of it. When I got to the gate, I approached the ranger that checked me in and asked if I could just pay the difference to get the Lassen Annual pass, which he said, “sure, just drive back around to the front of the gate and we’ll take care of it.” We handle the transaction, and just as he is about to hand me my pass, he pauses and says, “well… there is another option.” Which he goes on to say, “for people that have any kind of handicap or disability, they can get a FREE pass to EVERY national park for their ENTIRE LIFE, and all they have to do is sign this form that says this disclaimer above applies to them, no questions asked.” First I’m thinking, “What?! is this really happening,” and second, “he must have heard me stuttering in the course of our conversation and felt that this qualifies.” So I sign the form, get the pass, and as I begin to drive away I almost start to cry. It was like all the being laughed at and being made fun of, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, became worth it. It was the first time that I was thankful for having a speech impediment, and felt like something good came to me because of it.

And to backtrack to the previous story, the following day when this customer asked me a question that I couldn’t answer, and found myself feeling embarrassed and ashamed as per usual, I thought to myself, “well at least I got my free National Park Pass for my entire life.” Like it gave me this feeling that all those experiences that I have had to endure throughout my life were not in vain. It took away some of the sting that often gets under my skin. I have heard people say a lot in my life that, “all things work together for good; nobody suffers in vain, etc etc.” Things that are supposed to make us feel better about ourselves and our situations when bad things happen, which often feel like meaningless words that I can’t really know if they are true. I hope things work out for my good, but until I actually see it, how can I really know? It was inspiring to me to see all those sayings actually be true, and have a tangible experience that I can look back on and point to and say, “see, all things do work together for good, and people really don’t suffer in vain.”